tomorrow is one of those days i hate every month
i'm scarred, i'm worried, i'm afraid every one of these days
but then there's God
i think this is an entry made to remind me of God's Glory
but whatever it is, i pray this helps

i hate this time of the month
and i hate this time of the year
i love spring
i love the showers
the gentle cold
the feeling my cold, wet toes get when
i'm warming them up under a nice blanket

i hate this time of year because for most of my life to date,
this time of year always ends up to suck,
from march to may
with may being the worst month of the whole year

i hope this may, this april, and the rest of this march doesn't suck like that
i hope it doesn't suck worse than previous years

sometimes though
i can find good in this time
thanks to God
i find friendship and smiles
i find warm times
and unforgettable moments
i feel unity and brotherhood
new friendships
and stronger old ones
so many good things
so many good times

do i hate this time of year
or do i hate what the past has brought
be it the time's fault
or be it the fault of other factors

i can't see what will happen to me
i can only see what my heart desires
i can only see how far God lets me
or is it how far i let myself see?

today in church we learned of two follows of Christ,
who on the day Christ arose from the grave,
they were returning home
and Christ walked right beside them, talking with them on their path
and not once did they see it was Him
and why?
probably because they didn't let themselves see
they didn't believe He had returned when others testified to His resurrection
they didn't allow themselves to understand, they didn't let their eyes truly see Him
they were the ones at fault

so maybe i can only see as far as i can right now
because i have only allowed myself to see that far
maybe i can't see God so easily because i'm not truly focusing on Him
maybe i'm dwelling too far into myself and the things of this world
and not letting my eyes gaze upon the cross,
upon the Savior
upon what really matters

my eyes wonder to other things
and my hands fill their time up with worldly items
and not the grace that is God
my eyes move, my heart jumps, my hands wonder
and yet focus is never on God for long

i'm being honest right now
the tears are starting to fill my eyes
i'm scared, yes i am
i'm scared of the unknown
of what is to come
because i don't know
i honestly don't know what they will throw at me next
i try not to fear
oh Lord how can i not fear?
i don't fear the man
i fear what he can do
there are evil men, evil godless men
who some will claim to be of Him,
and others won't even care enough to say that,
and some will openly deny Him in and out of church,
there are men, evil men
who have cast in me vision of evil
who call me the wrong and the one who should be punished
there are evil men
who don't care for what i have to say
then there are some who will just use my words against me
they already have and will continue to do so

there are also ignorant men
ones who choose not to think
who prefer to do what they believe is the right thing for them
there are men who couldn't care less
some who might
but may never think ahead of time

there are some
some very evil men
who don't care about lives
who just want their cut
there are some people i refuse to call men
because to call them men
would be to call them human
and i'm not sure i could call them that

there are people who don't care about what happens to others
there are some who see me as the bad guy
there are some who only define life as the color gray
there are many who will never ever see

and where am i?
where am i in this Lord?
please let me not be in the shadow
but in the light!
please let me be not in the gray and the confusion,
but in the mercy and the healing that is your light!
may Your path be clear, clearer than daylight's gaze
may i be running into Your light and into Your arms!

oh Lord i can't stand this
i can't stand not knowing
but is it better that i don't or that i do?

the moon looks full tonight
its been huge the past few nights
and all i can do
is gaze upon it
and remember the great times past
the eyes of God are upon me
and may Your arms be holding me
and not just me
but my whole family
and all others involved in this

oh Lord, save us please
oh Lord, please wipe the tears from our eyes
and comfort us in Your ever loving arms

so much i wish to say out loud
so much i never can
not through here
not anywhere
these silent prayers i must keep to You and nothing else
You alone know the words on my heart
You alone know the secrets of my weary heart
You alone can give me Hope
You alone are the reason for my Faith
You alone are the key to my Love
keep us all alive and living
please keep us all alive and living
please breathe life into those who are dead
those black hearts who can't see You and what You do
please Lord
breathe into us all
make us all come ALIVE

this could be my last journal entry to be honest
please pray its not
that its not even close to my last one

i have no idea how this could turn out
i just keep fearing things
i keep wondering things
i can't close my blinds, fearing to never see the moon again
irrational this can sound even to me
yes i am afraid
but what am i afraid?

last month, last day of it,
i walked in there unafraid
i walked out nearly in tears for the first time
i started shaking
i started crying that day i think
feeling my life would be over soon
no, i know thats not true now
i know my life will never end over their decisions
my life isn't going to end unless i die
and even then my spirit can never die
for my heart is in the LORD
and my soul will never die.

i'm not dying just yet
the only one who will show me the way Home
will be God on my last day
the day He choose for me to die on
but that day is nowhere close
and my life will go on as long as He allows it to

things may be taken away from me
people may walk away from me
they may make my life as hard as they possibly can
but damn it they will NEVER take away my heart
they will NEVER take away the last inch i can hold onto
they will NEVER take away my God
they will NEVER take away my soul
they will NEVER take away who and what i am inside

God is stronger
this i should know by now
God is stronger
Jesus overcame DEATH
let's repeat that at least for me
JESUS OVERCAME, FREAKING DEFEATED, DEATH ITSELF
that Lion is within my heart!
YAHWEH IS A WARRIOR!
JESUS IS A GENERAL!
and i am a warrior
i am a soldier
i am a lion
i am protector
i am a guardian
i am a disciple
i am a fighter
i am a child of God

THIS IS NOT THE END
NOT EVEN CLOSE

God is stronger!
Jesus is undefeatable!
because they are, i am unbeatable!
nothing can crush my spirit
nothing can send me to my grave other than God
nothing and noone can make me give up or give in
no matter the cost
no matter the outcome
no matter what
i will stand, unbreakable
unchangeable
undeniable
unfazeable
indestructible
nothing and noone can stop me now
my heart is stronger
my soul is stronger
my spirit is stronger
this body will not give out
this my mind not flinch
this heart will not die
this soul will not break
this spirit can never ever be broken
i will stand
unbreakable



God bless
Happy Easter
God bless Jesus' Resurrection


Enjoy the Savior's Strength! ^_^